new phase....

i miss africa. i miss taking 5 minute showers, and half the time was spent with the water off. i miss getting out and automatically sweating. i miss red dirt on my feet. i miss paulina peering over the gate of the girls compound, waiting for me, for my companionship, for my grilled cheese sandwiches, for my kisses on her boo-boos and some bandaids to make them feel better. i miss holding zaina like a baby, even though she's 7. i miss waking up every morning to the sound of roosters crowing, babies screaming, children laughing, ocean waves crashing, and my roommate kathy saying in her monotone voice, "it's hot". i miss my late night talks with bekah about the day, processing everything God had done in the past 16 hours. i miss seeing God in the faces of the orphans, in the love of the widows, in the desperation of poverty in the village kids, in my heart that beat so in sync to His. i miss mozambique stars that shone so bright, and even more brightly when they shot out of the sky. i miss the love of adiel and paulo. i miss feeding people at my house and sipping coffee while eating crackers and peanut butter on front porches with friends from 21 different nations. i miss those huge african trees. i miss the portuguese and makua speaking black people. i miss back scratches from nathalie. i miss hitch hiking to town for free. i miss beans and rice. i miss simplicity. i miss the reality of the world, and feel like i've fallen into a trans-like state of mind in this horrible american nightmare of a dream that's filled with false hopes and loveless hearts. i miss coke with real sugar in it and a chicken meal for 65 mets. i miss my heart. i left it in the hearts of the mozambicans.

so now, i go on. i would have stayed behind, but my Abba said no. He said to go to america and be a light in the darkness, to go to bethel and to take it from there. but i never want to be adjusted to america and to her complacency, but instead, to wake her up from her "dream", her slumbering heart that has been lulled to sleep by the enemy using his music called possessions. break my heart for what breaks Yours. and Your heart aches and breaks for america. show me how to love america, God. i can't go on in this new phase without Your love, without Your grace and Your heart beat for this loveless generation. give us Your LOVE.